Dr. Anne Gonzo Speaks Out

By: Dr. Gonzo

January 21, 2007
WASHINGTON, DC-- This weekend was a Monster for the Northern Virginia Flag Football League (NovaFFL), and everything it wants to stand for. There were awesome displays of Speed and Violence, on a scale that made baseball look like slow motion.

Anyone watching the afternoon games bore witness to Ty of Conquest not only take on a double team block, but literally move 400lbs of defensive linemen in the opposite direction. And despite the screeching from 16 Candles, they won the game even though Mean Gene was practically unblocked every play. But the talk of the sidelines wasn’t the soldiers in the trenches, nor the lackluster performance of the Merks and the Extraordinaires … but of the Old Guard in NovaFFL realizing that the Brisco Hawks are for real.

The Hawks are not the typical NovaFFL team. They are a hybrid of players from the planet Maltus. Their offensive formations are unorthodox, and they have actual success running the football, which was key on a cold January day. Brisco not only wins big, but leaves their opposition looking to Jesus and asking how this just happened. Even the mighty SanFran wondered openly if this new team had a weakness. Their team creed of “Vultures attack the Funeral and eat the Corpse” was carried into both games today. Brisco will march on a road of bones to the NovaFFL title.

Let’s face the harsh reality: Brisco is the only new team which has won the respect from old NovaFFL veterans. Everyone, including me, is tired of watching the Merks and Extraordinaires go to sea and punch holes in the bottom of their boat and call it a good idea. The Extraordinaires have no organization at all… I’d rather watch 4th graders play street football, than continue to watch them throw the ball in the air and hope someone in a black shirt comes down with it. And the Merks? I overheard a Merks player today say, “I’ll play line, but I don’t like blocking.” One of their new free agent pick-ups was even seen asking other NovaFFL players for help to “make them a better team.” Good luck with that, Bubba. Three weeks of play is plenty of time for even dumb people to learn just about anything they need to, especially when the difference between winning and losing is usually a matter of life and death, professionally, in the business of big-time flag football. It is a question of enlightened self-interest—learn quick or die.