FEAR AND LOATHING IN NOVAFFL: Slow Week For Sports

By: Dr. Anne Gonzo

February 20, 2007
WASHINGTON, DC— February is always a bad month for TV sports. Football is gone, basketball is plodding along in the annual mid-season doldrums and a dull all-star game, and baseball is just simply watching two guys play catch. It is a good time for building fires, reading books, watching movies, big breakfasts, and cranking up random sex orgies with the neighbors. The Northern Virginia Flag Football League (NovaFFL) has kept me busy though, and I do appreciate it.

Not even the politicians will come out of their pens to glad-hand and deceive the public in February. They would rather stay inside and wallow around in their own excrement than venture out in the bitter cold for some fresh air. The Human needs good reason to get out of bed on an icy Saturday, and last weekend was not one of those days. Nothing is moving out there on the icy streets except drunk drivers, desperate criminals, and Mike D and Cap who felt it necessary to stop by the fields at 11pm at night.

NovaFFL made a very wise decision to cancel this past weekend’s games. There are plenty of reasons this time of year to call in sick to work… the flu, Ague Fever, shin splints, projectile vomiting, Rickets… but calling in sick because you decided to go play flag football on a sheet of ice is not one of them. There is a massive difference between self-promotion and self-preservation. Only a fool would run the risk of playing flag football in conditions that plagued the city last week.

Finally, I wish to tell Mike D and San Fran to keep their team dirty laundry to a dull roar. There are a lot of ways to fend off bill collectors and trash talking on the message board, but getting nasty with people who are about to dump 600 raw swine bladders on your front porch is not one of them.